I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
