he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
