Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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