I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Come on in and take your pants off
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