we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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