we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
