she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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