I think I died a long time ago.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
