I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
