I CAN MOONWALK!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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