What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
