i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
