I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
