I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You can't special order awesome
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
