RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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