She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
