there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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