Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
smell my finger.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Alive.
So much puke
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
