Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
