Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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