I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would fuck him just for his dog
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
