you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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