Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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