I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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