i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
