I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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