I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this beer tastes like vomit already
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize