I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
