8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
