Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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