WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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