I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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