I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
