Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
