Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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