I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
