Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
