No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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