So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
