I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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