I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
