if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
