im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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