She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
