What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
