I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
