my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
