Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
