She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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