How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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