i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
