I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
