im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
