The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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