In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
