why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
