Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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