i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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