I can tuck mytits in my pants
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
